The Metaphysics of Hugs

What's in a hug? Valentine's Day makes people think of love and happiness and the joy of being with someone. One of the ways in which people express themselves is by giving hugs to one another. But what is in a hug? What is there in the act itself, and then in the emotional consequences surrounding the hug? And why does being itself feel like it changes when a hug is given? After we answer all these questions, we can then learn why I like hugs so much, and wants to encourage everyone to give lots of hugs :)

So to start this post, we must explore the act of a hug itself. A hug itself is compromised of two people who wrap their arms around each other and perform an embrace. This means that physical is required to have a hug in the fullest sense of the term. (You can have a spiritual hug but it's not the same, but still useful in certain situations.) So in essence, a physical hug is two people sharing physical space and enclosing the other in that space as a sign of affection (usually).

However, the sign of affection is where we must explore more. Because this changes the nature of the hug, and it changes being itself. A hug by its nature always involves relationship (in the broad sense of the word) and at least two people. (Big group hugs are also allowed in this as well.) Because of this one must explore hugs in the context of at least two people relating to each other. This context gives light to why being changes when people hug each other.

People experience being as autonomous selves (in this I only mean that one person can never fully understand the being of the other, though emotional intimacy allows one to come close.) In being autonomous selves, people have a sense of independence and a function which allows them to act on their own (namely they do not need a puppet master.) However, when one gives a hug to someone, being changes for both people. A hug puts one past the autonomous self and allows another to enter your personal space. It is a gift of trust.

Being changes in a hug because of the emotional context surrounding a hug as well. Hugs, if one is paying attention, can make one attentive to the needs of the other based on the kind of hug the person is giving. Here are a few examples: first, say for instance a friend is hugging you really tight, is hesitant to let go and is shaking a little bit. This kind of hug is the "I need you, something's wrong" hug. Also, a person could hug really tight and one can feel a looseness in the other's arms even in a tight hug. This is labeled the, "I'm so excited to see you hug." The final example I'll give here is the soft, tender hug which the other person gently makes herself comfortable in your embrace. This will be called the, "Hold me gentle, hold me close and I really do want to be here :) hug." Again, this list of hugs is not exclusive, there are many kinds of hugs but it all depends on the body language, which tells one the emotional circumstances behind the hug. This leads to a change in being because one is drawn into the world of the other person just by what her body tells him.

This is an example of how "tenderness" works in human relationships. To be brief, "tenderness is the ability to immerse oneself in the emotions of the other and to be present to them." (paraphrased from Love and Responsibility pgs 201-207.) This tenderness is a true giving of oneself to the other because it seeks to bring the reality of the other into one's own. Hugs are a very good way of acting in tenderness because it allows two people to enter each other's world, in a mental/spiritual as well as a physical sense.

Another positive metaphysical benefit to the hug is in noticing time. Time itself becomes unnoticeable because the only focus in giving a real hug is the other person. Therefore, presence overtakes time, and being becomes happy as there is a taste of the eternal in being in another's embrace. The moment of the hug can go on forever because one does not feel the limits of time. (The "timeless moment" (me in other posts) is one which needs a re-treatment at some point in the future because this is oversimplifying the reality, but it would sidetrack this post to go further.)

However, this mentality can be abused and its something to watch for in ourselves. Human tenderness can be insincere if it seeks as its primary end to use the hug of another in order to fulfill only their own psychological desires for comfort. In this sense, hugs can be taken but not given, even though it appears a physical hug is given. This is not to say one should be judgmental; however, because there are days when people just need to receive a hug and cannot give one (for whatever physical, psychological, spiritual, emotional reason.) This warning is given as a disposition for each one of us individually so that we can give hugs and in return receive them.

Of course, there are people who do not like touch either, which affects the nature of the hug. However, people that do not like touch can show tenderness in other ways. Eye contact is wonderful for showing tenderness, it shows one really wants to be there with the other person. (Eye contact as a metaphysical reality is something which needs its own treatment at some point in the future, because there is a lot in a "gaze" (Jean Luc Marion In Excess).) This desire to enter the emotional life of another person can be in words, gestures, smiles, but for me the best way to enter the emotional life of another is to give a hug :). Even though it's Lent, and we're supposed to be a little more solemn now, do not be afraid to show others around you that you care about them.

Since the subjects of this study are human beings, sometimes people need physical comfort in order to really feel like the beings they are. Sometimes all someone really needs is for someone to really be there, and be present to their own life, their own story. People also need more than someone who is physically there but emotionally not. A hug is a good entryway to bridge the physical need for comfort and the emotional need of someone really being there. This is how being changes, when we show love in this way, we change it for the better, and lights and rainbows shine in the eyes of others. When we show hatred, we plant the seeds of darkness for sensitive people to see and for all to be possessed by. Our actions change being for light or for dark, and sometimes it's not so obvious what is light and what is dark. This is for those who preach against physical touch, who want exclusively spiritual friendship, who fear humanity's potential to use each other by physical touch. We cannot fear the gift which is given by tenderness and touch, because it has the potential to be used, but rather humanity itself must be willing to not use each other. "We must be the change we want to see" (Gandhi). Without this change, no one else will change, and the solution is not to avoid touching people. The solution to the problem is to trust in the grace of God to provide touch which enriches the lives of people and draws us closer to their being and God's being. The answer is to provide the emotional tenderness which so many people need and yet which philosophy tries to drive people away from the touch out of fears of human darkness. However, it is this fear which drives the darkness, not the touch itself. So give tenderness and hugs, for by this openness to emotional and physical closeness with the other, can we begin to see the being of the other.